Thing's I'll Never Say
by Dracardoris
Summary: It don’t do me any good. It’s just a waste of time. What use is it to you... what’s on my mind. If it ain’t coming out, we’re not going anywhere. So why can’t I just tell you that I care... AU


**Disclaimer- I own nothing but the plot. NOTHING! ='(**

She stood in the doorway, eyes darting from place to place. She fidgeted with the hem of her overgrown shirt, and bit her bottom lip involuntarily. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other. Running one shaky hand through her curls, she lifter her eyes and brown met grey. A rising tint of pink blemished her cheeks and she turned back to stare at her feet.

Sirius followed her lead and gazed at her small feet, "What are you looking for down there?"

Hermione stuttered at the sudden break of silence. The only word her brain, or what were the mushy remnants of her brain, could process was 'RUN'! She held her own with everyone she knew and never failed to answer a question, whether it was witty, sarcastic or logical. But this man, this egotistical, cocky, rude, annoyingly beautiful man, had dumbfounded her beyond belief. She couldn't speak one word coherently while talking to him. And so she did the only thing she was able to do. Run.

She stepped to the side, trying to duck under his outstretched arm and get out of the kitchen. But he was faster, his movement mirroring her own, and preventing her from leaving. Hermione let out an exasperated sigh. Why did Sirius – I'm so freakin' amazingly hot and rich _and_ have an awesome personality – Black have to be so damn difficult?

Sirius chuckled at Hermione's obvious nervousness. She had bumped straight into his chest when he had suddenly shown up at the door while she was exiting the kitchen. And after that came a ramble of nonsense apologies leaving a very amused Sirius standing in Hermione's way.

"What's the matter 'Mione?"

"Hey 'Mione! I'm here!" Ginny's voice rang out through the corridor ahead of her and Hermione took the chance to quickly sidestep Sirius and run to meet her best friend.

Ginny stared at Hermione as she saw her approach. After moving in with Harry, then subsequently eloping and taking a really long honeymoon away, Ginny had come back to a changed Hermione Granger. The last time they had seen each other was while getting off Hogwarts Express and leaving their separate way with their parents.

Now, after being away for a little more than a year, she could see how much the witch had changed. Hermione remained petite in height and weight. She wouldn't be considered really short, but she was well below average and though she looked almost elfin, the girl had filled out her body with a curvaceous figure. She had settled her bushy hair in fifth year but now it was longer and fell a few inches below her shoulders in soft ringlets. Her skin had become slightly tanned and remained almost flawless, as the war had scarred her in many ways.

Hermione ushered Ginny into the library where they wouldn't be disturbed, if she remembered Sirius' agenda correctly. The two girls sat in the room for hours, talking about all that they had missed out on. Hermione was of course invited but couldn't be one of the few people who attended the couple's wedding party because she was away on a skiing trip with her parents in Australia.

The sound of laughter was barely muffled by the closed library door and it echoed through the corridor of Grimmauld Place. Sirius sat on a couch in the living room, guzzling down his bottle of firewhiskey. But unlike usual days, today this wizard's lonesome mind pondered away from the subject of love lost, venturing towards love found. His thoughts had abandoned his sorrow caused by death and devastation. Tonight, it focused on a familiarly ancient feeling that blossomed in him like a water lily in the depths of the Sahara; extremely out of place with chances of survival being futile.

He chuckled as he remembered her read him a passage from a muggle play. What truth the little extract held had only just occurred to him. Love simply was misshapen chaos.

Another memory crossed his mind and he laughed softly at what how he would react when in these situations.

_Sirius sat at the kitchen table; hands propped on the sleek hardwood, mouth ajar, firewhiskey forgotten. He could not get himself to believe what he had just concluded. He could not comprehend the consequences if he were to act on this conclusion. He just sat, stationary, uttering not one word, but mind rambling endless thoughts and emotions simultaneously. He absolutely refused to believe it. He had just had the most shocking epiphany._

_Sirius Black was madly in love._

_After spending years in Azkaban and on the run or in hiding, Sirius had adjusted to a solo life. He had lost so much, friends and family alike, that it had destroyed him completely. This destruction was his biggest guilt. He was ashamed of how he could not be the godfather that Harry needed him to be. After living alone for so long, it took a lot for Hermione to reawaken the old Sirius, when she moved into Grimmauld. _

_Hermione had helped him in ways that he knew no one else would be able to. After his return, she had cooked, cleaned and worked to keep the house running. She had never once spent a dime of his money. Once she was awake, she brought him breakfast and fed him herself as his time in the Veil had left him weak and frail. She would then leave for work and usually bring back something nice to share with Sirius, may it be a photograph, a meal or an anecdote. _

_She took care of him like she would of her own child, when she had any. For the first few months of Sirius' return, she slept on a couch next to his bed, so that she could tend to anything he needed at anytime of the night. In the mornings, she helped him regain his balance and remember how to walk so that he could move around by himself._

_Soon enough, he had filled out his beaten form and the extensive exercises that Hermione made him do had kept him in shape, claiming they helped blood circulation and recovery._

_Sirius knew that no matter how much he loved this witch, she was forbidden and it pained him to admit it. She was her godson's best friend, almost the age of someone who could be his very own daughter. If she found out that he was having such thoughts, he knew she would distance herself from him for sure, and he wouldn't be able to bear that._

_Leaving his half empty bottle of firewhiskey on the table, he walked up to his room, almost losing balance only once, and laid down on his bed, ready to sleep away his sorrows._

_Hermione's eyes shot open and she pushed her quilt off herself as she scrambled out of her room in a hurry, running towards Sirius' door. The sound of painful groaning and violent thrashing alerted her and she burst into the room, finding him mumbling something in fear and agony. She rushed to his bedside and he flung his arm, struggling with something in his nightmare._

"_Sirius?" Hermione questioned his wakefulness as she hugged his sweat stained face, "Shhh. I'm right here, love. There's no need to worry."_

_She cooed into his ear and rocked back and forth, holding his head to her chest, calming him. Sirius put his arms around her and sobbed silently into her shirt, pained by the raw brutality of the realm of dreams._

_Comfortably lying down next to him, she kept him locked in her embrace and continued muttering words of security into his damp hair. Sirius settled himself in her arms and held onto her with a vice-like grip, afraid of losing the one person who he survived for._

_Morning came and so did Sirius' frustration. He did not want to go downstairs and sit with Hermione. It was not that he was ashamed or anything of that sort. It was that he had no idea how to apologize and thank her, without being bombarded with an array of questions. After a lot of contemplation, he came to it that he owed her as much as to answer anything that she asked._

_Going downstairs he saw her standing by the oven, reading something in utter concentration. With a deep breath, he walked over to her and looked straight at her, pulling her into a hug as she looked up to notice him. It was his away of apologizing and thanking her silently and she understood that. Smiling at him warmly, she squeezed his hand before leaving it and returning to her cook book._

_He looked at her gratefully, grabbing some breakfast and going about his business._

Sirius didn't notice as a figure entered Grimmauld and passed by the living room door, heading for the library. With a quick pace, he bounded into the library, sending the girls screaming and pulling out their wands at the perpetrator.

Sirius stood up instantly, removing his wand before he let out a sigh of relief, a familiar voice reaching him.

"Woah woah! 'Mione, Gin, it's just me!" Ronald Weasley lifted his arms up in front of him.

The girls lowered their wands and sat back down on the couch, glaring at the redhead at the door as he walked up towards them.

"'Mione I'm going away for a few days and I won't be in contact. So… I'll see you later right?"

"Okay… where to?"

"Uh… sort of a boys trip thing."

Hermione nodded and looked away as she expected Ron to leave and continue with whatever he was doing. But he stood in front of her staring at her.

(A/N) "You know Hermione; it's this incessant questioning of yours that really bugs me. I mean, you can't even trust your boyfriend enough to let him off. It's not like I'm running off with someone else!"

"What the hell are you on about Ron?"

"'Mione you know exactly what I'm on about. You never trust one word that I say! You just strangle me with all these useless questions. Whatever I do or say would have a reason behind it. I'm your boyfriend and best friend. But you act as if I'm out to get you or something; as if every time I go out, I'm scheming against you with my friends!"

"Ron, are you okay?"

"What kind of a question is that?! Am I okay? Am _I _okay? Hermione are _you_ okay?! What is it with your need to know anything and everything? Can't you loosen the leash that you have around my neck? I am not your dog!"

"Ronald how dare you! What has gotten into you today? All I did was asked you one simple question: where are you going? And you've flown into some sort of lunatic rampage! Calm the bloody hell down!

"You know what? I've put up with this bullshit long enough and now I can't take this anymore. It's over!"

With that, he stomped out of the library mumbling profanities as he left.

Sirius leaned against the door of the kitchen, listening intently to the argument, appalled at Ron's sudden mood swing, when speak of the devil, he banged the library door shut and made his was towards the door.

"Stupid control freak. Bitch."

Ron looked up to see Sirius and the next thing he knew, he was on the ground, holding his nose in fear and excruciating pain. He shouted frightfully when the pain had hit him full force and even more when he saw the glint in the inflictor's eye.

"Don't you _dare _call her that ever again! Or else Weasley! I will hunt you down make you regret the day you were born! Do you understand me?!" Sirius barked at the boy, towering over his ashen form.

Hermione and Ginny stood at the library doorway, giggling lightly as Ron scrambled off the floor and paced out the door without a glance back. Hermione's gaze shifted to Sirius and her eyes met with his. His anger ebbed away instantly and a mock innocent look graced his face which made her raise her eyebrow in disbelief. He dropped the act and smirked at her playfully. Walking up the corridor he turned to take the stairs and retire to his room, after giving her one last look and sending her his infamous wink.

Hermione blushed and went back into the library, followed by Ginny, who after carefully watching the events of today unravel, had a knowing smile on her lips.

"What was up with Ronald today?!"

Hermione looked at her ex-boyfriend's sister incredulously.

"I have no idea. Maybe PMS. Sweetheart are you okay though? I mean, he just dumped you."

"I'm fine Gin. I was actually going to have a talk with him about us anyway. I just… didn't see us going anywhere and I realized I don't like him the way I thought I had."

"Yea I realized that…" Ginny smirked at her.

Hermione looked at Ginny, genuinely clueless about what Ginny was insinuating, "What?"

"Nothing… nothing at all."

Both girls shrugged and plopped back onto the couch, continuing their long chat.

Shining rays of the moon broke through the dingy curtains of Grimmauld as Sirius crept through the barren hallways, camouflaged by the darkness that was always spread across the upper floors, like an eternal dusk. He leaned across the banister and caught the subdued voices of the reunited friends. With confirmation of where the girls were, he sneaked further down the corridor and into Hermione's bedroom, his eyes glistening with mischief. Opening the door to her closet, he stuck his arm into the mass of clothes, feeling the walls on the sides for a small shelf which held his prize.

His fingers grazed the top of a box and he pulled it out to check if it was what he had been looking for.

Bingo!

He carefully opened the box and slid out its contents: Hand-made Swiss milk chocolates coated with gin with a firewhiskey filling in the core; perfect culinary skills at its best. Hermione always had a few boxes handy.

The sound of approaching voices alerted him and he flew into panic, looking around for a place to hide. Whacking his forehead at his stupidity for missing the obvious, he jumped into the closet and hid between the hoard of hung up clothes, pushing himself against the back wall of the small space. He closed the door as far as it went, staying open just a little which gave him a strained view of what was happening outside.

The girls stumbled into the room, clutching their stomachs and laughing uncontrollably. Ginny walked across the room and turned on the radio, tuning into a muggle station.

"Gin! THIS!" Hermione pointed to the radio, "This is the perfect song for every girl who has a crush on a stupid annoying prick who just doesn't see it!"

Ginny laughed at Hermione when she jumped excitedly at the song that began playing on the radio, "I know I know. Remember your old muggle school's prom? This was our song there!"

Hermione remembered that night well. She had dragged Ginny to her old school's prom which she had been invited to by one of her muggle friends. They had taken part in the karaoke competition, singing this song.

She turned towards Ginny and starting laughing again as the girl's voice rang out rhythmically in time with the lyrics.

_It don't do me any good  
It's just a waste of time  
What use is it to you  
What's on my mind  
If it ain't coming out  
We're not going anywhere  
So why can't I just tell you that I care_

(Cause) I'm feeling nervous  
Trying to be so perfect  
Cause I know you're worth it  
You're worth it  
Yeah

If I could say what I want to say  
I'd say I wanna blow you... away  
Be with you every night  
Am I squeezing you too tight  
If I could say what I want to see  
I want to see you go down  
On one knee  
Marry me today  
Guess, I'm wishing my life away  
With these things I'll never say

What's wrong with my tongue  
These words keep slipping away  
I stutter, I stumble  
Like I've got nothing to say

(Cause) I'm feeling nervous  
Trying to be so perfect  
Cause I know you're worth it  
You're worth it  
Yeah

Guess I'm wishing my life away with these things I'll never say  
If I could say what I want to say  
I'd say I wanna blow you...away  
Be with you every night  
Am I squeezing you too tight  
If I could say what I want to see  
I want to see you go down  
On one knee  
Marry me today  
Guess, I'm wishing my life away  
With these things I'll never say  
These things I'll never say

The girls fell on their beds, laughing at the memories as the song ended and so did their singing.

"So… who's your poor prince charming who will never know?" Hermione lay on her side, her head propped up on one elbow.

"Well, it used to be Harry, but then I told him. So no one right now I guess. Or maybe, who was that muggle obsession of yours? Barry something or Gary something?"

They stared at each other for a moment, and then broke out into fits of laughter again.

Ginny breathed deeply as she calmed herself and then looked at Hermione again, "Okay! Enough about my clear betrayal of Harry's love. Who's yours?"

Hermione didn't even need to think about this one; she knew the answer and god help her she couldn't forget it, "Er… No one yet."

Ginny raised her eyebrow and smirked, "Not even Sirius Black?"

Hermione's jaw dropped and she stood on her bed, chucking pillows at Ginny, "Shut up! He's Harry's godfather!"

"Oh so you don't like him."

"That's not what I said!"

"So you do like him?"

"NO! I mean… ugh… I hate you."

Ginny broke out into devilish laughter again and ran around the bedroom, dodging the pillows Hermione threw at her, teasing her about her obvious crush.

"Come on 'Mione. I know you like him. You know it too! Then why don't you tell him?"

Hermione looked at her best friend sincerely, "Because Gin, he thinks of me as a child, and it's not that I just like him; I love the bloody fool to bits and pieces!"

Ginny squealed like a high school girl and bounded over to Hermione, hugging her.

Sirius stood in her closet, chocolate in hand, gaping. Suddenly, the closet seemed a lot smaller than before, and as he shifted, his elbow hit a shelf on the side and he dropped the chocolate in his hand, letting out a quiet yelp. He moved to give his throbbing elbow some space but slipped over the trail of a dress, tripping on his own feet and stumbling out of the closet unceremoniously, tangled in a silk garment.

He scrambled to his feet, turning to see both girls staring at him, surprised. He looked at the box of chocolates he was holding and stupidly hid his hand behind his back. Ginny, seizing the opportunity, winked at Sirius and then turned to Hermione, sending her an encouraging look and another wink before pacing out of the room, and shutting the door behind her.

For what seemed like ages, Sirius stood silently gazing at Hermione, as she shifted her sight from his face to the floor and back. Finally, he walked up to her and they stared into each other's eyes. Clearing his throat, he was first to break the silence.

"I- uh. You said. Was that… true?" He paused for a while, "What you said… and what she said."

Hermione knew what he was talking about: Love. He was unsure. Over the time that she had spent taking care of him and helping him recover, she had uncovered many secrets that made Sirius who he was. He loved his friends and treated them like family but was never _in love_ because his childhood had been devoid of it and so developed his notorious ways. He was very confident and loved a challenge but the man had been stripped of all that he was proud to call his own when he was sentenced to Azkaban and then when he fell into the Veil. Sirius had tried to regain himself, but there would always be a part of him that would be insecure. He didn't think he was worthy of love. He needed confirmation and he needed it time and again. Sirius looked at her with an unfathomable expression, and she knew that he found it hard to believe that someone could ever come to love his destroyed form.

Hermione nodded as tears glistened in her eyes at the sight of his weaknesses and insecurities emerging to the front from where he hid them in the depths of his mind and heart.

Sirius threw the box of chocolates aside and his arms slid around her waist, pulling her closer. He pressed his forehead to hers and whispered in a thick voice, "Me too."

With that he closed the gap between them and kissed her with fury. It wasn't a kiss of unspoken love. Or of a happily ever after. No sonnets or odes would be written for the epitome of this kiss. Because it was all but that. Hasty and sloppy, it was a kiss of lust just as much as love, where two broken souls united to try and find happiness in the messed up life that they were sure awaited them.

**A/N: Does the argument sound weird? It does. It's actually a true story with some details changed; a really stupid argument that I had where my mum was making mountains out of mole hills. **

**Anyway, I am sick and the only way I get better is if I read a healthy amount of REVIEWS! So… go head… help the sick!**


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